Trying to make sense of my little bit.
So this, this, was what change felt like. It was hard. I have failed more times than I have succeeded. In this unlearning (deconstruction, if you will), I had every right to feel betrayed by a religion that had sold me a lie. But as I wrote earlier, I couldn’t stay wallowing in resentment or bitterness.
We didn’t make a final date to decide anything. We were just going to see what happened. According to our psychologist, limiting expectations, sitting with our feelings, and dealing with just what was in front of us at the time was a good thing. But that meant I had no idea what to expect.
And as soon as the words were out of his mouth, I knew they were the first right thing to be said for a long time. I had clung on for as long as I could. I white-knuckled the shit out of that marriage. But the foundations were crumbling, and having the honesty to call it like he saw it gave me the permission I needed to stop lying to myself.
I’m living proof that there’s something to be said for hearing a song or an artist at the right time. It was Monday, 28 March 2022, when I played that album for the first time, start to finish. Henceforth, Jacob accompanied me at any hour of the day it was acceptable to wear my headphones during April, May, June and July.
One of the smartest, bravest, kindest things we can do is listen to ourselves when our ‘why’ is changing. It doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s time to throw out the ‘how’. It may just be a clue that we’re maturing, we’re growing, we’re learning new things.
The tools of the trade only matter so much, and probably less than we think. But aren’t they a cunning excuse?
The act of changing our minds encompasses growth, humility, wisdom and kindness towards ourselves. I am learning it’s a skill to revere and cherish, not feel embarrassed or ashamed of.
Penelope paused, and then said to no-one in particular, “Hey, you’re my do-nothing friend!”
Jemma Balmer 